If you want to create the life and career success you want and deserve you have to become a great conversationalist.  There are no two ways about it.

Effective communication, especially conversation, is an up close and personal endeavor.  All of the great communicators I know are great conversationalists.  As with most things, I have one great piece of common sense advice on how to become a great conversationalist.  Listen more than you speak. When I am in a conversation, I try to spend about one third of my time speaking and two thirds listening.  I have found that this ratio works well for me.

Most people like to talk about themselves.  The best way to get people speaking about themselves is to ask a lot of questions.  When you meet people for the first time, ask “get to know you” questions.  You know the kind of questions I’m talking about here.  “What do you do?”  “Where do you live?”  “Are you married?”  “Do you have children?”

Listen to the answers and file away this information for future use.  The other day I called on an old client.  Prior to going to see him, I spent time thinking about what I knew about him from our previous conversations.  Here’s what I remembered.  We know several people in common.  His son is a music major at Ithaca College.  His company was recently acquired.

I prepared myself for our meeting by coming up with four questions.  1) How is your son doing at Ithaca?  2) Have you spoken to Jo (our mutual acquaintance) lately?  3) I saw Tom (another mutual acquaintance) the other day, have you spoken to him recently?  4) How are things going with your new company?

By asking these questions, listening, and adding follow up comments and/or questions, I was able to keep things moving for an hour.  At the end of that time, I was in a good position to ask the two questions that were my main reason for the conversation.  “How are things going with your team?  How can I help you?”  This was a sales call, after all.

My friend Debra Fine, author of the bestseller The Fine Art of Small Talk calls this “going deeper.”  A couple of years ago, I interviewed her on my internet talk radio show.   Here is what she had to say.

“Don’t be afraid to dig deeper.  When you say to someone ‘How’s work?’ they’re going to say ‘pretty good’ or ‘good’ or ‘great’ or whatever.  Dig in deeper, let them know you’re sincere with one more question, Say something like, ‘So, what’s been going on with work, Bud, since the last time we talked?’ Or if you say to somebody ‘how were your holidays,’ and they say ‘great,’ you can follow up by saying, ‘What did you do over the holidays that you enjoyed the most?’”  Let them know you are sincere.

“We say to our friends, ‘How are you Bud?’  If you give a one word answer like ‘great,’ I’ve got to follow up with something like ‘Bud, bring me up to date – what’s been going on in your life since the last time I saw you?’  Now you know that I really want to know how you are, otherwise ‘how are you’ will end up meaning ‘hello.’  That’s all it means.

“By the same token you don’t want to become what I can an ‘FBI agent.’ That’s why one follow up question is important, but no more after that.  “

Debra makes some great points about the power of questions in conversation.  The key here is to ask questions, listen to what people have to say and respond appropriately.  Then file away what you’ve learned.  I recommend writing it down so you won’t forget.  Review what you know about a person prior to visiting with him or her.  This will help you prepare for the conversation by choosing the questions you want to ask.

Listening is the way to take advantage of the questions you ask.  Dr. Joyce Brothers provides some great career advice when it comes to listening.

“Listening, not imitation, may be the sincerest form of flattery.”

She’s right!

When you really listen to someone, really listen, giving him or her your complete and undivided attention, you are showing that you care about him or her as a human being.  What could be more flattering?

The US Department of Labor suggests several reasons for developing your listening skills.  Developing your listening skills will help you:

• Better understand assignments and what is expected of you.
• Build rapport with co-workers, bosses and customers.
• Show support for others.
• Work better in a team based environment.
• Resolve problem with co-workers, bosses and customers.
• Answer questions completely.
• Find the underlying meaning in what others say.

There are some generally accepted ideas about what it takes to be a good listener:

• Maintain eye contact with the person with whom you are speaking.
• Don’t interrupt – except to ask a clarification question.
• Use non verbal cues – nod your heard, lean toward the other person, sit still – that indicate you are listening.
• Repeat what the other person says – to be sure you understand, and to get clarification.

I have a worked out a listening to speaking ratio for effective conversations.  Listen two thirds of the time.  Speak one third of the time.  In this way, you are giving the other person more time to share his or her thoughts and ideas with you.  You will be flattering him or her by your willingness to listen.

Listening is more than just not talking.  To listen well, you need to mentally engage with the other person.  You need to focus on what he or she is saying, and you need to respond in a manner that indicates that you are paying attention.

You should listen the most diligently when you find yourself disagreeing with what the other person is saying.  It’s easy to tune out someone with whom you disagree.  When you really listen to what he or she has to say, you are not only demonstrating respect for his or her as a person, you put yourself in a position to learn something new.

The people who host many of the television political talk shows are terrible listeners.  They invite people who hold opposing views to be on their show.  They ask provocative questions.  And then begin to argue with their guest as soon as he or she begins speaking.  This may be good TV, but it is a poor example of how to truly listen and engage with another person.

The career success coach point here is simple common sense.  Successful people have well developed communication skills.  They are good conversationalists.  They write clearly and succinctly.  They present well.  If you want to become a good conversationalist, you need to learn to listen well.  Focus your attention on the other person, pay attention to what he or she says.  Respond appropriately.  Listen more than you speak.  Show people that you value them and what they have to say.

That’s my career advice on conversation and listening.  What do you think?  Please take a minute to share your thoughts with us in a comment.  As always, thanks for reading my daily musings on life and career success.  I value you and I appreciate you.

Bud

PS: If you haven’t already done so, please download a free copy of my popular career advice book Success Tweets and its companion piece Success Tweets Explained.  The first gives you 140 bits of career success advice tweet style — in 140 characters or less.  The second is a whopping 390 + pages of career advice explaining each of the common sense tweets in Success Tweets in detail.  Go to http://budurl.com/STExp to claim your free copy.  You’ll also start receiving my daily life and career success quotes.

PPS: I opened a membership site last September.  It’s called My Corporate Climb and is devoted to helping people create career success inside large corporations.  You can find out about the membership site by going to http://www.mycorporateclimb

My latest career success coach book, Success Tweets: 140 Bits of Common Sense Career Success Advice, All in 140 Characters or Less is about to go into its third printing.  The other day, I got a big order from Toastmasters International.  You can pick up a copy of Success Tweets at your local bookstore or at Amazon.com.  Better yet, you can download it for free at www.SuccessTweets.com. 

Today’s career advice comes from Success Tweet 104…

Learn to handle yourself in conversation.  A brief conversation with the right person can greatly help – or hinder—your career.

I’ve been looking over the transcripts of my old internet radio show.  I had some pretty interesting guests who said some pretty interesting things.  Debra Fine, author of the best seller The Fine Art of Small Talk was one of my guests.  We discussed how to become a good conversationalist.  
 
Here is part of what Debra had to say… 

Bud: What are some icebreakers or conversation starters that shy people – or anyone—can use to get a conversation going?

Debra:  Don’t be afraid to dig deeper.  When you say to them “how’s work” they’re going to say “pretty good” or “good” or “great” or whatever.  Dig in deeper, let them know you’re sincere with one more question, “So, what’s been going on with work, Bud, since the last time we talked”, or if you say to somebody “how were your holidays” and they say “great”, “well, what did you do over the holidays that you enjoyed the most?”  Let them know you are sincere, when you are sincere, when you have the time. 
 
We say to our friends, “how are you Bud?”, “great”, you got to follow up with something like “Bud, bring me up to date – what’s been going on in your life since the last time I saw you?”  Now Bud knows I really want to know how he is, otherwise “how are you” means “hello”.  That’s all it means.  My own husband will walk into the house and say “how was your day” and I’ll say “pretty good” because my guess is my husband doesn’t really want to know how my day is and this is my second husband, Bud, okay?  And he doesn’t want to know.  But if he digs in deeper, I’ll know that he was interested. 
 
Okay, so that’s just one tip.  We don’t want to become FBI agents, that’s why that one following question is important, but no more after that.  You don’t want to do one of these numbers, “Bud, what do you do?”  So, what’s your answer to that, Bud? 
 
Bud:  Well, I’m a career success coach, speaker, author, blogger and right now, an internet radio show host.
 
Debra:  And, Bud, it sounds like you have an accent from back east, so what part of the country are you from?
 
Bud:  Pittsburgh.

Debra: Look at what just happened.  I said “what do you do, Bud” and you said career success coach, etc. and I said it sounds like you have an accent, like you’re from back east or something and you responded to that.  I became an FBI agent.  That was the point of that little shtick.  If you’re going to start with “what do you do,” stay on topic.
 
Bud:  You make a great point here.  People get uncomfortable if you jump around in conversations because it gets them off balance, they don’t know what’s coming next.  So if you begin a conversation by asking somebody about their job or career, ask a follow up question about their job or career.  I think this is tremendous career advice — making sure that you follow up with a question that’s on target, not something that goes off in another direction.
 
Debra:  And I’m saying to you to make it an open-ended question.  “Tell me about it, describe that for me, how was that like for you, how did you come up with that idea?”  Everybody’s got to use an open-ended question if at all possible so you can open up the conversation.  Do we have a couple more minutes for another tip?
 
Bud:  Yes we do.
 
Debra:  Okay, let’s talk about the most common response to the question, “what’s been going on in your life?” Do you know what most of us say to “what’s been going on?” 

Bud:  Not much.
 
Debra:  Exactly.  That’s exactly right.  We say “not much” or “nothing.”  And I bet you would have said “not much” if I asked you that question because that’s what first came out of your mouth just now when I asked that, and yet you told me before we started this interview that you’re going to New York tomorrow.  
 
I think there’s a lot going on and “not much” is just a bunch of bologna, right?  And that’s how it is for all of us.  We’ve all said “not much” and what we really mean is “there’s so much going on, I can’t possibly think of what it is so I’ll just say not much.”  That’s what we mean.  There’s just too much going on to think of what to say.  
 
Now, if you’re just walking down the hall and don’t have time to stop and chat, a one-word answer like that is fine and dandy.  But, if you’d like to connect at an annual conference when someone says to you “what’s been going on?”  Please have an answer.  It doesn’t have to be an elevator speech, just an answer, “well, we just introduced flex time at our company and that’s been a huge burden, but I feel like we’ve seen the worst of it, and we’re going to get through it.” 
 
Now I have something to talk about with you, flex time.  Like, how did you set it up, how does that impact you?  Do you get three days off a week?  I mean, give me something, it doesn’t have to be mooshy, it doesn’t have to be about your divorce.  Just give me something.  
 
If you said to me “Debra, how have you been?” I might say “well, I became an empty-nester this year and it’s really been a whole new experience, and not a sad one, a good one and I’ve really enjoyed it.”  Now, did I brag about my kids, no.  Did I go on and on about how perfect and gorgeous and wonderful they are?  Absolutely not.  I just let you know something about myself that I’m willing to talk about.  If you’re not interested, you’ll go “oh, Debra, good for you, let’s talk about that contract…what do you think…?”  You don’t want to chit-chat, that’s fine.  Let’s get down to the business at hand.
 
Bud:  I think that’s really great career advice and that you’re absolutely right.  The point you’re making here is that if you go to an event and you’re somebody who is not naturally able to roll things off the tip of your tongue, be prepared, because somebody’s probably going to say to you, “what’s going on, what’s happening?”
 
Debra: Yes, and you get something else when you do this Bud.  You become a three-dimensional person.  If you sell insurance, then you’re a sales person who sells insurance.  But if I ask you “how was our weekend?” and you say “it was pretty good, we went to the theater and saw Dr. Doolittle and it wasn’t as bad as all the reviews said,” you just became more than an insurance salesman, you became a human being in my mind.  By saying that you went to a musical you became three dimensional.  You are not just a sales person, you are now a human being.  Human beings go to shows called Dr. Doolittle.  

Does that make sense?  “How was your weekend?”  “I worked in the garden, I played on my volleyball league, I finished a good book, I’m finishing my basement.”  That’s all you have to say.  You don’t go on and on about it.  Just give me a sentence.
 
Bud:  So what you’re saying is that a small bit of self-disclosure can be helpful and make it easy to engage you in conversation.  Let me try to summarize… (A) When you enter a networking situation, put yourself out, introduce yourself to somebody. (B) When somebody introduces themselves to you, be three-dimensional.  Do a little bit of self-disclosure.  Be willing to say something about yourself.
 
Debra:  Right.
 
Bud:  One last thing, what do you do when all of a sudden there’s dead silence in a conversation?
 
Debra:  Well, you better be prepared.  The worst time to think about something to talk about, Bud, is when there’s nothing to talk about.  So my rule for myself, and I wrote a book about it, is if I’m going to take you out to lunch and you’re a customer or client, I’ve got two to three things in the back of my head ready to go just in case we have nothing to talk about.  Maybe it’s current events.  Maybe it’s something I already know about you.  You have a wife, her name is Cathy, she used to be a flight attendant.  Do you understand?  Have some questions in the back of your head, to be able to keep conversations moving when there’s that huge awkward silence.  You’ve got to be prepared.  It’s not a big deal to be prepared.  It takes one whole minute.  It’s not like a Yoga class.  
 

That’s some great common sense career advice on becoming a great conversationalist from Debra Fine, author of The Fine Art of Small Talk.
 
The common sense career success coach point here is clear.  Successful people are dynamic communicators.  Dynamic communicators are great conversationalists.  Great conversationalists know how to begin conversations and keep them going.  They follow the career advice in Tweet 104 in Success Tweets.  “Learn how to handle yourself in conversation.  A brief conversation with the right person can greatly help – or hinder – your career.”  Questions are a great way to open conversations.   Use open ended, not yes or no, questions.  Follow up with a comment or a question that follows in the same vein.  When someone asks you a question, become three dimensional by being willing to disclose something about yourself as a person.  If you know who you are going to be seeing, think back to the last time you saw that person.  Think about what you discussed.  Keep these things in the back of your mind.  They can help you prevent awkward silences in your conversation.
 
That’s my take on the career advice in Success Tweet 104.  What do you think?  Please leave a comment sharing your thoughts with us.  As always, thanks for reading.
 
Bud

My latest career success coach book, Success Tweets: 140 Bits of Common Sense Career Success Advice, All in 140 Characters or Less is about to go into its third printing.  The other day, I got a big order from Toastmasters International.  You can pick up a copy of Success Tweets at your local bookstore or at Amazon.com.  Better yet, you can download it for free at www.SuccessTweets.com. 

Today’s career advice comes from Success Tweet 104…

Learn to handle yourself in conversation.  A brief conversation with the right person can greatly help – or hinder—your career.

I’ve been looking over the transcripts of my old internet radio show.  I had some pretty interesting guests who said some pretty interesting things.  Debra Fine, author of the best seller The Fine Art of Small Talk was one of my guests.  We discussed how to become a good conversationalist.  
 
Here is part of what Debra had to say… 

Bud: What are some icebreakers or conversation starters that shy people – or anyone—can use to get a conversation going?

Debra:  Don’t be afraid to dig deeper.  When you say to them “how’s work” they’re going to say “pretty good” or “good” or “great” or whatever.  Dig in deeper, let them know you’re sincere with one more question, “So, what’s been going on with work, Bud, since the last time we talked”, or if you say to somebody “how were your holidays” and they say “great”, “well, what did you do over the holidays that you enjoyed the most?”  Let them know you are sincere, when you are sincere, when you have the time. 
 
We say to our friends, “how are you Bud?”, “great”, you got to follow up with something like “Bud, bring me up to date – what’s been going on in your life since the last time I saw you?”  Now Bud knows I really want to know how he is, otherwise “how are you” means “hello”.  That’s all it means.  My own husband will walk into the house and say “how was your day” and I’ll say “pretty good” because my guess is my husband doesn’t really want to know how my day is and this is my second husband, Bud, okay?  And he doesn’t want to know.  But if he digs in deeper, I’ll know that he was interested. 
 
Okay, so that’s just one tip.  We don’t want to become FBI agents, that’s why that one following question is important, but no more after that.  You don’t want to do one of these numbers, “Bud, what do you do?”  So, what’s your answer to that, Bud? 
 
Bud:  Well, I’m a career success coach, speaker, author, blogger and right now, an internet radio show host.
 
Debra:  And, Bud, it sounds like you have an accent from back east, so what part of the country are you from?
 
Bud:  Pittsburgh.

Debra: Look at what just happened.  I said “what do you do, Bud” and you said career success coach, etc. and I said it sounds like you have an accent, like you’re from back east or something and you responded to that.  I became an FBI agent.  That was the point of that little shtick.  If you’re going to start with “what do you do,” stay on topic.
 
Bud:  You make a great point here.  People get uncomfortable if you jump around in conversations because it gets them off balance, they don’t know what’s coming next.  So if you begin a conversation by asking somebody about their job or career, ask a follow up question about their job or career.  I think this is tremendous career advice — making sure that you follow up with a question that’s on target, not something that goes off in another direction.
 
Debra:  And I’m saying to you to make it an open-ended question.  “Tell me about it, describe that for me, how was that like for you, how did you come up with that idea?”  Everybody’s got to use an open-ended question if at all possible so you can open up the conversation.  Do we have a couple more minutes for another tip?
 
Bud:  Yes we do.
 
Debra:  Okay, let’s talk about the most common response to the question, “what’s been going on in your life?” Do you know what most of us say to “what’s been going on?” 

Bud:  Not much.
 
Debra:  Exactly.  That’s exactly right.  We say “not much” or “nothing.”  And I bet you would have said “not much” if I asked you that question because that’s what first came out of your mouth just now when I asked that, and yet you told me before we started this interview that you’re going to New York tomorrow.  
 
I think there’s a lot going on and “not much” is just a bunch of bologna, right?  And that’s how it is for all of us.  We’ve all said “not much” and what we really mean is “there’s so much going on, I can’t possibly think of what it is so I’ll just say not much.”  That’s what we mean.  There’s just too much going on to think of what to say.  
 
Now, if you’re just walking down the hall and don’t have time to stop and chat, a one-word answer like that is fine and dandy.  But, if you’d like to connect at an annual conference when someone says to you “what’s been going on?”  Please have an answer.  It doesn’t have to be an elevator speech, just an answer, “well, we just introduced flex time at our company and that’s been a huge burden, but I feel like we’ve seen the worst of it, and we’re going to get through it.” 
 
Now I have something to talk about with you, flex time.  Like, how did you set it up, how does that impact you?  Do you get three days off a week?  I mean, give me something, it doesn’t have to be mooshy, it doesn’t have to be about your divorce.  Just give me something.  
 
If you said to me “Debra, how have you been?” I might say “well, I became an empty-nester this year and it’s really been a whole new experience, and not a sad one, a good one and I’ve really enjoyed it.”  Now, did I brag about my kids, no.  Did I go on and on about how perfect and gorgeous and wonderful they are?  Absolutely not.  I just let you know something about myself that I’m willing to talk about.  If you’re not interested, you’ll go “oh, Debra, good for you, let’s talk about that contract…what do you think…?”  You don’t want to chit-chat, that’s fine.  Let’s get down to the business at hand.
 
Bud:  I think that’s really great career advice and that you’re absolutely right.  The point you’re making here is that if you go to an event and you’re somebody who is not naturally able to roll things off the tip of your tongue, be prepared, because somebody’s probably going to say to you, “what’s going on, what’s happening?”
 
Debra: Yes, and you get something else when you do this Bud.  You become a three-dimensional person.  If you sell insurance, then you’re a sales person who sells insurance.  But if I ask you “how was our weekend?” and you say “it was pretty good, we went to the theater and saw Dr. Doolittle and it wasn’t as bad as all the reviews said,” you just became more than an insurance salesman, you became a human being in my mind.  By saying that you went to a musical you became three dimensional.  You are not just a sales person, you are now a human being.  Human beings go to shows called Dr. Doolittle.  

Does that make sense?  “How was your weekend?”  “I worked in the garden, I played on my volleyball league, I finished a good book, I’m finishing my basement.”  That’s all you have to say.  You don’t go on and on about it.  Just give me a sentence.
 
Bud:  So what you’re saying is that a small bit of self-disclosure can be helpful and make it easy to engage you in conversation.  Let me try to summarize… (A) When you enter a networking situation, put yourself out, introduce yourself to somebody. (B) When somebody introduces themselves to you, be three-dimensional.  Do a little bit of self-disclosure.  Be willing to say something about yourself.
 
Debra:  Right.
 
Bud:  One last thing, what do you do when all of a sudden there’s dead silence in a conversation?
 
Debra:  Well, you better be prepared.  The worst time to think about something to talk about, Bud, is when there’s nothing to talk about.  So my rule for myself, and I wrote a book about it, is if I’m going to take you out to lunch and you’re a customer or client, I’ve got two to three things in the back of my head ready to go just in case we have nothing to talk about.  Maybe it’s current events.  Maybe it’s something I already know about you.  You have a wife, her name is Cathy, she used to be a flight attendant.  Do you understand?  Have some questions in the back of your head, to be able to keep conversations moving when there’s that huge awkward silence.  You’ve got to be prepared.  It’s not a big deal to be prepared.  It takes one whole minute.  It’s not like a Yoga class.  
 

That’s some great common sense career advice on becoming a great conversationalist from Debra Fine, author of The Fine Art of Small Talk.
 
The common sense career success coach point here is clear.  Successful people are dynamic communicators.  Dynamic communicators are great conversationalists.  Great conversationalists know how to begin conversations and keep them going.  They follow the career advice in Tweet 104 in Success Tweets.  “Learn how to handle yourself in conversation.  A brief conversation with the right person can greatly help – or hinder – your career.”  Questions are a great way to open conversations.   Use open ended, not yes or no, questions.  Follow up with a comment or a question that follows in the same vein.  When someone asks you a question, become three dimensional by being willing to disclose something about yourself as a person.  If you know who you are going to be seeing, think back to the last time you saw that person.  Think about what you discussed.  Keep these things in the back of your mind.  They can help you prevent awkward silences in your conversation.
 
That’s my take on the career advice in Success Tweet 104.  What do you think?  Please leave a comment sharing your thoughts with us.  As always, thanks for reading.
 
Bud