I saw a great quote from John Ruskin, a late 19th century English essayist the other day…

“When a man is wrapped up in himself, he makes a pretty small package.”“

If you read this blog with any regularity, you know that I am a career success coach and author.  You also probably know that I believe that relationship building is one of the key competencies necessary for career success.  I discuss it in several of my books: Straight Talk for Success; Your Success GPS; I Want YOU…To Succeed; Star Power; and 42 Rules To Jumpstart Your Professional Success.

Mr. Ruskin’s quote caught my eye for a couple of reasons.  First of all, it’s clever.  Second, it makes a great point about the importance of relationships.  You can’t build strong relationships if you’re interested only in yourself.  Relationships are a two way street.  As a career success coach, I tell my clients that if you want to build strong, lasting relationships with the important people in your life, you need to get interested in them.

There’s a really old joke that’s almost a cliché; “Enough about me, let’s talk about you.  What do you think about my new haircut?”  This joke approaches being a cliché because it is the embodiment of someone who is wrapped up in himself or herself. 

Don’t be this way.  Take an active and genuine interest in other people.  You’ll build better relationships, but you’ll also get to learn some pretty interesting things about some cool people.  Everybody has a story.  Your life will be richer if you take the time to learn other people’s stories. 

Cathy and I know a few people who love to talk about themselves, but show very little interest in us.  We’re polite; so when we meet them in a social setting, we’ll usually ask a few questions about them and their families.  Both of us are genuinely interested in people, so we can keep a conversation going for quite a while just by asking questions whose answers we would like to hear. 

However, with the few people we know who never reciprocate — who never show any interest in us — we play a little game.  We ask a few questions at the beginning of the conversation, and listen to what these folks have to say.  Then we shut up.  The more savvy of these people will pick up on our cue – we would like them to ask about us. 

The less savvy of these people are bewildered.  They don’t know what to do.  They are so wrapped up in their tiny packages that they can’t even formulate a question to keep the conversation moving forward.  This is sad.  Usually after several seconds of silence, Cathy and I excuse ourselves and move on to someone else.

Don’t become a tiny package.  Become a great big package by learning about other people.  You grow when you incorporate others into your life.  You incorporate others into your life by being willing to engage them, to learn about them, to listen to what they have to say.   This is not only good career success advice, it’s common sense advice for living a rich and fulfilling life.

As a career success coach, I advise you not to play the kind of conversation games I described above when you are building relationships at work.  As a human being, I urge you to not let the less savvy people hang there in uncomfortable silence.  After a few seconds, say something like, “It’s been nice chatting with you.  I see someone over there who I haven’t seen for a long time and want to say hello.”

The common sense point here is simple.  Successful people demonstrate competence in four areas: creating positive personal impact, outstanding performance, dynamic communication and relationship building.  As John Ruskin points out, people who are wrapped up in themselves, make very small packages.  Small packages don’t make for strong relationships.  Take it from a career success coach; become a big package.  Take a genuine interest in everyone you meet.  You’ll not only build strong relationships that will serve you well as you create the career success you deserve, you’ll be richer for the experience of getting to know lots of different people.

That’s my take on building relationships by taking a genuine interest in others.  What’s yours?  Please take a few minutes and leave a comment sharing your thoughts with us.  I want this blog to be a big package, so I really am interested in what you have to say.  As always, thanks for reading.

Bud

Competence is one of the four keys to career and life success in my Common Sense Success System.  I also discuss it in some detail in several of my books: Straight Talk for Success; Your Success GPS; and 42 Rules to Jumpstart Your Professional Success.  If you want to succeed you need to develop four basic, but important competencies: 1) creating positive personal impact; 2) becoming a consistently high performer; 3) dynamic communication skills; and 4) becoming interpersonally competent. 

There are four key competencies that will help you become a career and life success:

• You have to be able to create positive personal impact.
• You have to be become an outstanding performer.
• You have to be a dynamic communicator – in conversation, writing and presentations.
• You have to build strong, lasting, mutually beneficial relationships with the important people in your life.

If you want to become a dynamic communicator, you need to develop three skills: conversation, writing and presenting.  The Merriam Webster Dictionary defines the word “dynamic” as, “Marked by continuous and productive activity.”  In many ways, this is a good definition for an effective conversation.  In a conversation, two types of activities occur simultaneously: speaking and listening.  In good conversations, both of these are continuous and productive.  In plain English, when you’re in a conversation, if you’re not speaking and providing information, you need to be listening and receiving it.

In previous posts I’ve pointed out that asking good questions is an important way to become known as a great conversationalist.  But to take full advantage of the questions you ask, you need to really listen to the answers and respond appropriately. 

Here are my top seven tips for becoming a good listener – and conversationalist.

1. Look the other person in the eye when he or she is speaking.  This demonstrates that you are engaged with him or her.

2. Listen to understand what the other person is saying – not to plan your rebuttal.

3. Listen really hard when the other person begins by saying something with which you don’t agree.

4. Know the words that trigger your emotions.  Don’t get distracted by them.

5. Be patient.  Some people take longer than others to make their point. Don’t interrupt.

6. Ask clarification questions when you don’t understand.

7. Repeat what you have heard the other person say – to make sure you got it right, and to show him or her that you were listening.

If you use these seven tips in conversation, you will become known as a great conversationalist and a dynamic communicator.

The common sense point here is simple.  Successful people are competent.  Dynamic communication is an important key success competency.  If you want to become a dynamic communicator, you have to become a good conversationalist, clear writer and effective presenter.  To become a good conversationalist learn to listen well.  Listening, like a lot of success advice, is just common sense.  Show the other person you are engaged.  Focus on understanding, not on rebutting points with which you don’t agree.  Don’t get distracted by words that trigger your emotions.  Ask clarification questions to ensure you understand what is being said.  Repeat what you’ve heard.

That’s my take on listening.  What’s yours?  Please leave a comment sharing your best listening advice.  As always, thanks for reading – and writing.

Bud

In yesterday’s post, I told you about Use Your Common Sense Day, a holiday I created to encourage people to use their common sense in their lives and careers.  In that post I mentioned my Common Sense Success System, something I designed to help you create the successful life and career you want and deserve.  Today, I’d like to give you a little more information on the system and another opportunity to order a free 90 minute DVD explaining it in detail.

My Common Sense Success System is based on what I call the Four Cs of Success:

• Clarity of purpose and direction
• Commitment to taking personal responsibility for your own success
• Confidence in your ability to create the successful life and career you deserve
• Competence in four key areas.

Let me tell you a little bit more about each of the Four Cs of Success…

Clarity

Let’s start with clarity.  Clarity of purpose and direction is fundamental to your personal and professional success.  It all begins with a clear picture of how you define success.

When I was 25, if you asked me what I wanted to be doing when I was 50, I would have told you, “Running a one person consulting, coaching and speaking business from my house.”  Guess what?  I have been running a one person consulting, coaching and speaking business from my house ever since 1988.  My clarity of purpose propelled me toward my goal.

That’s why defining your clarity of purpose is so important.  Your clarity of purpose provides both a foundation and launching pad for your professional success.  The old saying, “If you don’t know where you’re going, you won’t know when you get there” is a cliché but true.  Getting clear on your personal definition of success is the first step to becoming a career and life success.

If you haven’t already done so, I suggest you take some time and think about your clarity of purpose.  How do you define success for yourself?  Keep that purpose and definition of success in mind as you go through your days.

Commitment

Now let’s think about commitment.  It’s simple, really. Success is all up to you, and me, and anyone else who wants it. We all have to commit to taking personal responsibility for our own success. I am the only one who can make me a success. You are the only one who can make you a success.

Stuff happens as you go through life: good stuff, bad stuff, frustrating stuff, unexpected stuff.  Successful people respond to the stuff that happens in a positive way.  We humans are the only animals with free will.  That means we – you and me – get to decide how we react to every situation that comes up.  That’s why committing to taking personal responsibility for your personal and professional success is so important.

Committing to personal responsibility means recognizing that you are responsible for your life — and the choices you make. It means that you realize that while other people and events have an impact on your life, these people and events don’t shape your life. When you commit to taking personal responsibility for your life, you own up to the fact that how you react to people and events is what’s important. And you can choose how to react to every person you meet and everything that happens to you.

The concept of personal responsibility is found in most writings on success. For example, the first of Stephen Covey’s seven habits of highly effective people is, “Be proactive.”

The other two keys to success – confidence and competence — work only if you are committed to taking responsibility for your life and career. Commitment to personal responsibility is the foundation on which this model is built.

Personal responsibility means using this material once you learn it. I’ve written this post to provide you with useful information and knowledge on becoming a personal and professional success.  But, as the U.S. Steel pencils my Dad brought home from work used to say, “Knowing is not enough.”  You have to use what you learn, or else what you’ve learned is of no value.

Confidence

I love stories. I think they are a very powerful way of making important points. Here’s one of my favorites about self confidence. 

The business executive was deep in debt and could see no way out. Creditors were closing in on him. Suppliers were demanding payment. He sat on the park bench, head in hands, wondering if anything could save his company from bankruptcy.

Suddenly an old man appeared before him. “I can see that something is troubling you,” he said. After listening to the executive’s woes, the old man said, “I believe I can help you.”  He asked the man his name, wrote out a check, and pushed it into his hand saying, “Take this money. Meet me here exactly one year from today, and you can pay me back at that time.” Then he turned and disappeared as quickly as he had come.

The business executive saw in his hand a check for $500,000, signed by John D. Rockefeller, then one of the richest men in the world!  “I can erase my money worries in an instant!” he realized. But instead, the executive decided to put the uncashed check in his safe.

Just knowing it was there gave him the strength to work out a way to save his business. With renewed optimism, he negotiated better deals and extended terms of payment. He closed several big sales. Within a few months, he was out of debt and making money once again.

Exactly one year later, he returned to the park with the uncashed check. The old man was there. But just as the executive was about to hand back the check and share his success story, a nurse came running up and grabbed the old man.

“I’m so glad I caught him!” she cried. “I hope he hasn’t been bothering you. He’s always escaping from the rest home and telling people he’s John D. Rockefeller.”  And she led the old man away by the arm.

The astonished executive just stood there, stunned. All year long he’d been wheeling and dealing, buying and selling, convinced he had half a million dollars behind him. Suddenly, he realized that it wasn’t the money, real or imagined, that had turned his life around. It was his newfound self-confidence that gave him the power to achieve anything he went after.

As nice as this story is, I doubt if it is actually true. However, like a lot of fables, it makes a great common sense point about personal and professional success. If you believe in yourself and your success, you are likely find ways to make that belief come true. Think about it.

If you want to become self confident you need to do three things.  1) Become an optimist. Learn from, and then forget yesterday’s mistakes.  Focus on tomorrow’s achievements.  2) Face your fears and take action.  Action cures fear.  Procrastination and inaction compound it.  Failure is rarely fatal.  Do something, anything that will move you closer to achieving your goals.  3) Surround yourself with positive people.  Build a network of supportive friends.  Jettison the negative people in your life. 

Competence

Finally, if you want to succeed in this life, you have to be competent.  You need to develop four key skills. 

• Creating Positive Personal Impact,
• Performing in an Outstanding Manner,
• Dynamic Communication,
• Interpersonal Competence.

Let’s take a look at each of these skills in more detail…

Positive Personal Impact

All successful people create positive personal impact.  Positive personal impact is like charisma, only more so.  People gravitate towards people with positive personal impact.  When you create positive personal impact other people want to be around you.  They want to work with you.  They want to be your friend.  They want you on their teams.

People with positive personal impact develop and nurture their personal brand.  They are impeccable in their presentation of self.  They know and follow the basic rules of etiquette.  If you master these three keys, you’ll be able to create positive personal impact.

Outstanding Performance

All successful people are outstanding performers.  It’s the price of admission to the success club. However, don’t make the mistake of thinking that performance alone will get you where you want to go.  Performance is only of the characteristics of successful people.  Outstanding performance is important, but it alone will not guarantee your success.

The Dali Lama of all people has some interesting things to say about outstanding performance.  “One can be deceived by three types of laziness: the laziness of indolence, which is the wish to procrastinate; the laziness of inferiority, which is doubting your capabilities; and the laziness that is attached to negative actions, or putting great effort into non-virtue.”

I really like what he has to say because it drives home an important point about taking personal responsibility for becoming an outstanding performer. The Dalai Lama doesn’t let us off the hook by saying, “I didn’t think I could do it.” Instead, he says that doubting our abilities is a form of laziness. That’s some tough love!

And, if you think about it, he is right. All too often, we let ourselves off the hook by saying, “I’m not going to try that, because I don’t think I can do it.” This is being lazy. “I can’t do it, so I won’t even try.” As I said these words out loud, they sounded pretty lame. Agree?  If you do, you’ll stop using lack of self confidence as an excuse for not doing the work it takes to become an outstanding performer.

Dynamic Communication

I like Chinese food.  Once, I got a fortune cookie that read, “Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.” I was happy with this fortune, but it made me think.

My talents, your talents, everyone’s talents will be recognized and rewarded if we develop and use our communication skills. There are three types of communication skills critically important for career and life success: 1) Conversation skills; 2) Writing skills; and 3) Presentation skills.  You need to develop each of these skills if you want to have your talents recognized.

Become a good conversationalist by listening.  Conversation skills are important for building your professional network. Networking is an important but often overlooked communication skill. All successful people build and nurture strong networks. 

Writing is another necessary tool that helps get your skills noticed. When I was in high school, I was the editor of my yearbook. To raise funds to cover the cost of our yearbook, we sold ads. There were a lot of factories in the town where I grew up. In the past, the yearbook staff had never approached these factories to place ads in the yearbook. I wrote sales letters to all of the plant managers. We got several full page ads from those letters.

One of the plant managers wrote back, asking if I would come to see him. I got dressed up in my one and only suit and went to his office at the appointed time. When I arrived, his secretary buzzed him to let him know I was there. I heard her say, “No, sir, he sent a student.” When I walked in to his office and introduced myself, he was surprised. He told me that my sales letter was so well written that he thought I was the teacher who was the yearbook sponsor.

Two years later, I was looking for a summer job after my first year of college. The market was tight. I called this man. He remembered me, and I got a job.

Presentation skills may present the biggest opportunity for getting your talents noticed. As I have always worked in training and development, I had to develop and hone my presentation skills at a young age. This wasn’t too difficult for me because I never suffered from stage fright. I used to compete in speech contests when I was in high school. I was the emcee for my high school talent show. I was on the radio in college.

A couple of years ago, I did a talk for a local chamber of commerce. As it so happens, the Sheriff’s department is a member of this chamber. The Sheriff himself happened to be there that day. He liked my talk. About a week later, I got a call from his training office. The Sheriff asked him to get in touch with me to conduct some supervisory training for their sergeants. I never would have gotten this business if it weren’t for the notice I received from a talk at that chamber meeting.

Interpersonal Competence

Interpersonal competence is the final competency that you must master.  No matter how self confident you are, how good you are at creating positive personal impact, how great a performer or dynamic a communicator you are, you will not succeed if you are not interpersonally competent.

Pat Wiesner is a friend.  He is the publisher of Colorado Business.  A while back he wrote a great column entitled “The Biggest Management Sin of All: How to Lose Your Job or at least Deserve to Lose It.”

The biggest sin?  Pat says it is demeaning people. “My belief is that if we get caught shouting at people, demeaning them in any way, we should be fired. On the spot.”

I agree. And this holds for everyone – not just people in leadership and management positions. Raising your voice and demeaning people is not only poor leadership, it is one of the hallmarks of interpersonally incompetent people.

Belittling, intimidating, or otherwise demeaning people is not only nasty, it is destructive to their self esteem and self confidence. Interpersonally incompetent people often seem to feel that the best way to feel good about themselves is to make others feel bad about themselves. That’s why they often engage in demeaning and bullying behavior.

This is simply not true. The title of one of the first self-help books I ever read – published by Thomas Harris in 1969, I’m OK, You’re OK – says it best. Interpersonally competent people come from an “I’m OK, You’re OK” place. Bullies and demeaning people come from an “I’m OK, You’re Not OK” place.

Interpersonally competent people realize that we’re all OK. They work hard to meet people where they are and to build strong relationships with all of the people in their lives.

Treat people with kindness and respect. Help them enhance their feelings of self esteem. Do what you can to build their self confidence. If you do, you’ll be known as an interpersonally competent person – and interpersonally competent people are welcome wherever they go.

The common sense point here is simple.  Successful people have mastered four C’s – clarity, commitment, confidence and competence.  My Common Sense Success System is based on these four C’s.  I am offering a free 90 minute DVD that explains the four C’s in detail.  Just go to www.CommonSenseSuccessSystem.com to claim your free copy. You can and will succeed if you do four things.  1) Clarify your purpose and direction in life.  2) Commit to taking personal responsibility for your own success.  3) Become a dynamic communicator.  4) Get competent.  You will learn how to do all four of these things when you get my free 90 minute DVD at www.CommonSenseSuccessSystem.com.

That’s my take on the four C’s of success.  What’s yours?  Please take a few minutes to leave a comment sharing your thoughts with us.  As always thanks for reading.

Bud

Competence is one of the four keys to career and life success in my Common Sense Success System.  I also discuss it in some detail in several of my books: Straight Talk for Success; Your Success GPS; and 42 Rules to Jumpstart Your Professional Success.  If you want to succeed you need to develop four basic, but important competencies: 1) creating positive personal impact; 2) becoming a consistently high performer; 3) dynamic communication skills; and 4) becoming interpersonally competent. 

There are four key competencies that will help you become a career and life success:

• You have to be able to create positive personal impact.
• You have to be become an outstanding performer.
• You have to be a dynamic communicator – in conversation, writing and presentations.
• You have to build strong, lasting, mutually beneficial relationships with the important people in your life.

I’m often asked for my best thoughts on what it takes to become a career and life success – the key competencies.  I always tell my coaching clients to think systematically, to break success down into some manageable components.

Here is a bullet point summary of what I tell my coaching clients on how to become a career and life success. Put these points to use and you will succeed, just like my coaching clients.  I sent these to my ezine subscribers yesterday, and thought it would be a good idea to post them here.

• Do it yourself. Realize that no one is going to do it for you – not even your executive coach. You have to take personal responsibility for your success. Adopt the motto, “If it’s to be, it’s up to me.”

• Become an optimist. Believe that things will turn out well. When they don’t, don’t sulk. Learn what you can from a problem or failure and use it to your advantage the next time.

• Don’t procrastinate. Procrastination is usually tied to fear. In most cases, when you procrastinate, you are doing so because you are afraid of something. Identify those fears and then do something to overcome them. Action cures fear. Act – even when, especially when, you are afraid.

• Surround yourself with positive people. Jettison the negative people in your life. If you can’t rid yourself of them completely, do your best to minimize the time you spend with them. Negative people are an energy black hole. They will suck you dry if you let them. 

• Find a mentor or executive coach, someone who will help you meet your career and life goals. Mentors and executive coaches, by nature, are positive people. They can help you find the lessons in problems and failures and use these lessons to move forward.

• Be a brand. Create and nurture your personal brand. Make sure you stand for and are known for something. Make sure that everything you do is on brand.

• Look good. Be well groomed and appropriate for every situation. Always dress one level up from what is expected. In this way, you will stand out from the crowd.  A good executive coach can help you with this.

• Have manners. Learn and use the basic rules of etiquette. This will distinguish you as a person who is in the know. Social faux pas might not ruin your career, but they certainly won’t help it.

• Make people comfortable. The best etiquette advice I’ve ever received is simple. In any social situation, do what makes the other person or people comfortable.

• Become an expert. Master your technical discipline, and then keep learning. Become a lifelong learner. The half-life of knowledge these days is rapidly diminishing. Staying in the same place is the same as going backwards.

• Aim high. Set and achieve high goals year after year after year. Use the S.M.A.R.T. technique of goal setting.

• Get organized. Learn to use time to your advantage. Organize not only your time but your life and workspace. Sweat the small stuff. Success is in execution. Execution is in the details.

• Become an excellent conversationalist. You can do this by listening more than you speak. Pay attention to what other people are saying and respond appropriately.

• Write clearly and simply. Short words and sentences are best. Never use two or three words to say what you can say in one. Write in the first person. Use the active voice.

• Develop your presentation skills. Adopt this simple formula for your talks: Tell them what you will tell them. Tell them. Tell them what you told them. Write your closing first, your opening next. Then fill in the content.

• Get to know yourself, as well or better than your executive coach knows you. Use this knowledge to better understand others.

• Get to know others. Use your knowledge of others to build strong, mutually beneficial relationships with them.

• Give. Build relationships by giving with no expectation of return. When you help others because you want to, not because you believe they will do something for you, you’ll find that you will be repaid many times over. Giving of yourself, especially your time, is a great way to build strong, lasting relationships.

• Use conflict as a means to improve relationships. When you find yourself in a conflict situation, focus on where you agree, not disagree, with the other person. This will help you develop creative solutions to your differences, and improve the relationship.

The common sense point here is clear.  If you want to succeed you need to do at least four things: 1) Get clear on –your purpose and direction in your life and career; 2) Commit to taking personal responsibility for your life and career; 3) Build unshakeable self confidence; 4) Develop the competencies you need to succeed.  Yes, there’s a lot to learn, but there is one point I make over and over again with my coaching clients. You need to use what you learn.  I listed several success quick points above and hopefully you learned something from them.  But, as the U.S. Steel pencils used to say, “Knowing is not enough.” You have to use this knowledge if you’re going to become a career and life success.  Remember, success is a journey, not a destination.  Good luck in your journey.  You’ll succeed if you use what you learn along the way.

That’s my take on using what you learn to create the success you want and deserve.  What’s yours?  Please take a minute to leave a comment sharing your thoughts with us.  As always, thanks for reading.

Bud